Theatre Humour

Some Theatre Humour Links

The Worst Ideas for Musical Sequels

    Compiled from rec.arts.theatre.musicals

    • Goodbye, Dolly!
    • You're Not As Good As We Thought, Charlie Brown
    • Dogs
    • Mr. Saigon
    • Les Contented
    • Sunlight Local
    • The Warlocks of Westwick
    • Nothing Stays!
    • The Averagerticks
    • Beauty and the Prince
    • Slut Bastards from Uranus
    • Anonymity
    • City of Devils
    • 42nd Street AD (After Disney)
    • Titanic II: The Salvage Operation
    • The After Life
    • Guys & Dolls & Guys: The Sexual Revolution Years
    • Gypsy II: Herbie's Revenge
    • A Tree Gets Chopped Down in Brooklyn
    • How to Succeed in Business Without Really Standing Trial
    • Carnival II: Paul & Lili & Bert & Ernie
    • Naughtier Marietta
    • Babes in Arms in Toyland (a joint sequel)
    • Fiddler Down the Chimney
    • Gentlemen Prefer Gentlemen
    • She Loves Me Not
    • On a Cloudy Day You Have Limited Vision
    • Seven Brats for Seven Breeders
    • "'No' Means 'No'," Nanette
    • I Can Get It For You on EBay
    • Ain't Misbehavin' Without A Condom
    • The Fuller Monty
    • SummerTime for Mussolini
    • Victor/Victoria's Secret
    • 1777
    • Aging Mary Sunshine
    • The Music Couple
    • Out of the Woods
    • Checkers
    • Rocky Annoying Show
    • Fiddler Off the Roof (or worse - Violinist on the Roof)
    • How to Fail in Business
    • Start the World! I Want to Get Aboard!
    • Mo' Hair
    • A Little Case of the Clap (Night Music II)
    • Monday in the Slammer With George
    • Candidn't
    • The Apartment Went Condo
    • The Woman of La Mancha
    • Brigadoonesbury
    • The Directors

    Some of my own...

    • Annie Get Your Gun Registered
    • Nothing Funny Happened on the Way to the Forum
    • Joseph and the Black and White Dreamcoat
    • The Sound of Muzak
    • A Chorus Line of Disapproval
    • The Not So Fantasticks
    • How to Succeed in Politics Without Really Trying
    • Jesus Christ Regular Guy

How many does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Q: How many stagehands does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: None. That's an Electrician's job.

    Q: OK, then, how many Electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None of your darn business.

    Q: How many teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: 15. You gots a (bleep)ing problem wit dat?

    Q: How many directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: 3...no, make it 4... on second thought 3... make it 5 just to be safe.

    Q: How many lighting designers does is take to change a lightbulb?
    A: None. It’s a carefully orchestrated blackout.

    Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: Well... Does it have to be a lightbulb? Why can't it be a candle?

    Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: "I DONT CARE- JUST DO IT!!!!!!!!!!"

    Q: How many actors does it take to change a light?
    A: One.... if he can find it.

    Q: What's black, crispy, and hangs from the ceiling?
    A: An actor changing a light bulb!

    Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A1: Depends on what is says in the script.
    A2: 100. One to screw in the bulb, 99 to stand around saying "I could have done THAT!"
    A3: One..... if he can find it.
    A4: One; the actor holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around the actor...

    Q: How many straight actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: Both of them.

The Ten Tech Commandments


    1) Love thy gaffer tape as thou would love thyself.
    2) Honour thy SM and thy director.
    3) Thou shalt not get caught in light.
    4) Thou shalt not talk louder than a whisper.
    5) Thou shalt not covet another tech's headset, torch or blacks.
    6) Thou shalt not drop things from fly tower or catwalk.
    7) Thou shalt not crave sustenance other than coffee and cigarette.
    8) Thou shalt not kill another techie. Actors not inclusive.
    9) Thou shalt assist the actor when walking through the wings of darkness.
    10) Thou shalt be as God like as possible - fast, quiet, efficient.

Signs you've been in the theatre too much:

  • Your weekend consists of Monday, and only Monday.
  • "Q" is not just a letter.
  • National holidays that fall on Monday seem pointless to you.
  • You know more than one theory for the origin of the name "greenroom."
  • You can only read from a light that is blue.
  • You consider the red part of the stoplight the "standby".
  • You can't remember what daylight looks like.
  • You tell more stories of what went wrong on shows you've done than what went smoothly.
  • You start wondering what it feels like to be a prop.
  • "Practical", "Drop", and "Flat" are nouns.
  • You'd heard of Mandy Patinkin before he was on Chicago Hope.
  • 95% of your wardrobe is black.

You know you work in non-profit theatre if...

  • your living room sofa spends more time on stage than you do.
  • you have your own secret family recipe for stage blood.
  • you've ever appeared on stage wearing your own clothes.
  • you've ever driven around the back of stores looking for discards that can be used for set pieces.
  • you can find a prop in the prop room that hasn't seen the light of day in ten years, but you don't know where your own vacuum cleaner is.
  • you have a Frequent Shopper Card at the Salvation Army.
  • Rogers and Hammerstein is synomous with 3 months of rehearsals.
  • you start buying your work clothes at Goodwill so you can buy your costumes at the mall.
  • you've ever taken time off your job to work on the show.
  • you've worked your vacation time to coincide with tech week.
  • you've ever cleaned a tuxedo with a magic marker.
  • your family is more than 50% of the staff.
  • you've ever appeared on stage in an outfit held together with hot glue.
  • you name your son Samuel and tell him that his middle name is in honor of the French side of the family.
  • you've ever appeared in a show where tech week is devoted to getting the running time under four and a half hours.
  • you've ever appeared on stage in an English drawing room murder mystery where half the cast spoke with southern accents.
  • you think Neil Simon is a misunderstood genius.
  • you've ever appeared in a show where the cast out-numbered the audience 2 to 1 .
  • you've ever gotten a part because you were the only one who showed up for auditions.
  • you've ever gotten a part because you were the only male who showed up for auditions.
  • the audience recognizes you the minute you walk on stage because they saw you taking out the trash before the show.
  • you've ever menaced/threatend anyone with a gun held together with electrical tape.
  • you've ever had to haul a sofa off stage between scenes wearing an evening gown and heels.
  • you've ever had to haul a sofa off stage between scenes wearing an evening gown and heels -- and you're a guy.
  • you've ever played the father of someone your father's age.
  • your kids know your rehearsal schedule better than you do.
  • your kids know your lines better than you do.
  • your kids deliver your lines better than you do.
  • you get home from rehearsal and have to go back to the theatre because you forgot your kids.
  • you've ever appeared in a show where an actor leaned out through a window without opening it first.
  • you actually know the difference between Good Shakespeare and BAD Shakespeare, and have tried to explain the difference.
  • you've ever had to play a drunk scene opposite someone who was really drunk.
  • you've ever heard a director say "Try not to bump into the furniture" and mean it.
  • the lead vocalist complains that the music keeps changing tempos,but the fact is the music is on a tape/cd.
  • you've ever appeared on stage with people you're related to.
  • you've ever heard the head of the set construction crew say "Just paint it black --no one will ever see it."
  • you've appeared in a show featuring a flushing toilet sound effect.
  • the set designer has ever told you not to walk on the left half of the stage because the floor's still wet --five minutes before curtain.
  • you've ever been told that the reason your director has no eyebrows is because he/she handled special effects for the last show.
  • you've ever said "Don't worry --use the duct tape and if that doesn't work we'll just hot glue it."

Miscellaneous

    Question: What's the most dangerous thing in community theatre?
    Answer: An actor with a power tool.

    Question: What's the difference between a Stage Manager and God?
    Answer: God doesn't think he's a Stage Manager.

    Question: How do you get an actor off of your front porch?
    Answer: Pay him for the pizza.